Rule 11: The Inevitableness of Pain

The midwife knows that when there is no pain, the way for the baby cannot be opened and the mother cannot give birth. Likewise for a new self to be born, hardship is necessary. Just as day needs to go through intense heat to become strong, Love can only be perfected in pain.

Let us have a look at nature. It is not designed for perfection and avoidance of pain but for constant change and learning from change in order to evolve. One mechanism of learning is working with the experience of pain. Probably there is no fundamental change which happens without any pain. The seed has to brake through the peel to become a grass leaf or an oak tree. And when it lands on stony and dry soil, it will suffer deprivation and die at some point. Still life moves on and creates new forms over and over again from a large range of possibilities. In the balance of happiness and pain, the growth of life takes place.

From the wisdom of our organism we can learn that pain is part of the process of life. There is no life without pain, neither in humans nor in any other sentient being. The sensation of pain is probably one of the earliest achievements of the evolution (combined with the sensation of fear) to allow the higher development of life. As the different forms of living organisms become more and more complex, also the sensation of pain becomes more complex. We can have pains in our joints or in our temper, we know phantom pain and relationship pain. According to our sensitivity, we feel hurt by many and different things which gives us the impression that life is not perfect.

Pain is a discomfort for us and we want to avoid it. Of course, no one wants to suffer. And our organism is programmed to this avoidance. But it also wants to show us that there are problems: Pains indicate danger or signal that something is out of order or that there is a change happening to create a new arrangement.

And then the mind comes in and says that a perfect, which means pain free life should or must be possible. We only have to eliminate all sources of pain: Mistakes in our bodies (by physical operations), disturbances in the nervous system (by chemical drugs), tedious people (they all need therapy), too much taxes (we need better politicians) and so on.

But whatever we try, there will come new sources of pain as soon as we have found the remedies for the old ones. So the mind starts to blame to huge whole of existence as it must have built a central mistake into the design and screenplay of humanity. Why should I suffer the whole time by this mismanagement? It is not in my but in Your hand to arrange things so they do not hurt me again and that there is no more disturbance. But You refuse to act like this.

What is the answer to this typical human accusation? If you want to grow, you have to endure pain. And even if you renounce to grow and want to go on living like a human vegetable or daisy, suffering will occur.

As humans, we have the possibility of our mind to be able to think that everything could also be different. And that it should be different when we do not like it as it is. But even if we do not like it the way it is we can only grow when we are willing to accept everything what life has to offer us and to move on from there, whether it is unpleasant or pleasant. Our mind’s protest adds little to that growth, usually it adds a burden by its insistence and reluctance.

It is the decent intention of our mind to enable us to live a comfortable life free of fears, and this is why it has developed the idea to avoid pain and suffering at any cost. So we run to the doctor as soon as anything hurts and get the pills which successfully suppress the pains. We expect that child delivery is free of pain for the mother, so the doctors take care of that without noticing the consequences for the baby: it can cope with pain but not with chemical pain killers.

The good message is: The power of love is stronger than pain as the power of life is stronger than any obstacle. When love grows, suffering is reduced. But do not fall for the illusion to avoid pain and go the most comfortable way – to whatever you close the front door  comes in through the back door.


The rules are taken from Elif Shafak's novel “The Forty Rules of Love” (Viking 2010). They are inspired by the Sufi tradition and worded by the autor's imagination. www.elifshafak.com

Rule 10: Travelling outside and inside

East, West, South or North makes little difference. No matter what your destination, just be sure to make every journey a journey within. If you travel within, you’ll travel the whole wide world and beyond.

Recently, I read about a taxi driver in the Gaza strip. He is living in this area of 360 square kilometers with 1,5 million people. His last trip out of Gaza was 30 years ago. Chances that he could leave his territory in some time in future are close to zero. Maybe you can feel compassion when being allowed to live in a country in which everything is open to venture in any direction, with a passport which opens all borders and a credit card which opens all doors. And on the other side of this, billions of people who have even less chances in their lives and even less freedom to move as this taxi driver.

It is part of what we are that we love change in space, exploration of the dimensions and directions, travelling. We want to meet the horizon and find a new horizon there which again tempts us to move over it. Still, travelling meets a border at some point, the border of space. There is a new border behind the one we have just conquered. By travelling, we want to escape this limitation but this is not possible on the outside as it is part of our nature, of being physical. We never reach the south when we want to go south because there is always a more southerly south, and even when we arrive at the poles in which all directions fall into one, we have not arrived, even there we want to move on.

Travelling wakes our curiosity and our urge to expand. It is part of our emancipator consciousness. This form of consciousness wants to make a difference to all that has already existed, it wants to change and to escape any form of stability. It wants to relinquish the common places and the boredoms of daily life and to find adventures which give challenge and inspiration. It is the energy which entices the son or the daughter to leave the safe parental haven and to go out into the wide world in order to come back some day, changed and mature.

Yet travelling in the world of space will inevitably meet the dilemma of this level of consciousness: Any urge for something new gets boring and monotonous in itself. So we look for new ways of travelling and new place where no one has ever been before. But we cannot get away from the dilemma as we have never really found what we were looking for, as the new experience is old already on the next day, even in the next moment. So our emancipative drive urges us on and does not let us rest – the promised land, Shangrila, Avalon must be anywhere in this universe, the place where every longing comes to rest and the search and seeking has found what it aimed at.

This silence cannot be found in the three dimensional space or in the four directions but only in our inside. When we enter deeper into that space we find the doorways to the spaciousness and infinity of being. And here we discover that what makes travelling so interesting to us is the changes which happen inside. Of course we enjoy all the impressions from outside, but deep inside it is the opening in ourselves which gives us happiness. So any outer travel is an inner travel. Any change of place causes an inner change of perspective.

And when the inner worlds open up their fascinating aspects the urge to change on the outside can lessen. Then there is no need for every vacation to increase the ecological footprint so far that it is impossible to balance. Then we can allow even small or less spectacular changes of places can enfold their precious inner pleasures.


The rules are taken from Elif Shafak's novel “The Forty Rules of Love” (Viking 2010). They are inspired by the Sufi tradition and worded by the autor's imagination. www.elifshafak.com

Rule 9: The Gifts of Patience

Patience does not mean to passively endure. It means to be farsighted enough to trust the end result of a process.  What does patience mean? It means to look at the thorn and see the rose, to look at the night and see the dawn. Impatience means to be so short-sighted as to not be able to see the outcome. The lover’s of God never run out of patience, for they know that time is needed for the crescent moon to become full.

Impatience arises as soon as time becomes a scarce good. Time becomes a scarce good, when societies move away from the rhythms of nature. In nature, there is time for everything for all that is needed. Nature is neither patient nor impatient. It is only the human mind which imposes a time scheme on top of all that happens so everything becomes measurable. All which is measured is presented in numbers. Numbers are totally unnatural, this is why we call them digital. Numbers constantly run on without goal or end. After each number there is another one. We never arrive, we are never done, we always have to move on. This is the source of impatience.

The domination of time is in reality the dominance of time. The human mind has invented a scheme by which we enslave ourselves. One look at the watch, and our bodies are in a state of alarm. Impatience is a form of self imposed stress directed by a must, by a pressure which forces us on pain of consequences.

It is as if our bodies would signal constantly: Nu rush, everything with ease. But our neurotic minds force our bodies up to the point that it considers stress as normal. Without stress, nothing would work and boredom would break out.

When we are under pressure and stress, we become short-sighted (some people notice that literally with their eyesight), we only see things in front of our noses. Our vision narrows and we cannot recognise what is beyond. From the polyvagal theory we know that also our hearing is narrowed, so we only hear deeper frequencies below the human communication channels. So in stress we overhear what is important for us.

The materialistic consciousness causes the institutionalisation of impatience. Any minute is precious, any lost minute is a loss, presented in numbers. Every minute has to be filled up; when one moment stays empty, fear of having missed something arises. Those who are impatient are successful, those who are patient miss history.

Often patience is mistaken for agonising. Someone who is patient is someone who lets everything happen without actively interfering. Thus, as person like that gets easily overrun by the events. We hardly can imagine that something which goes slow or someone who is waiting and waiting could make sense. This is how strongly we are kept under the heels of the materialistic boosters who tell constantly what chances we could miss as soon as we start to relax.

But someone who is really patient harbours trust in self development and self organisation in everything which of importance. He is tuned in to the processes in nature which is managing everything according to an inner timing. He is perfect in disengaging from the coercive mechanisms of the collective lunacy. Instead of staring at his watch, he observes the birds on the trees which do not sow and reap and yet are nourished by their heavenly father.

„All of importance happens by itself“ is one of the wisdoms of the patient person. She has so often experienced that hectic activity can destroy more than deliberate waiting for the right moment and the right action. Or that waiting has lead to seeing that the problem has been resolved to nothing by itself. When we relax while waiting and enjoy the gap in time instead of becoming nervous, we can be gifted by an ample horizon in which surprises and miracles appear out of nowhere.

The rules are taken from Elif Shafak's novel “The Forty Rules of Love” (Viking 2010). They are inspired by the Sufi tradition and worded by the autor's imagination. www.elifshafak.com

Rule 8: the Gifts of Despair

Whatever happens in your life, no matter how troubling things may seem, do not enter the neighbourhood of despair. Even when all doors remain closed, God will open up a new path only for you. Be thankful!  It is easy to be thankful when all is well. A Sufi is thankful not only for what she/he has been given, but also for what she/he has been denied.

Despair, the dark night of the soul is a state of being in which all bridges to the outside world seem to be broken, only an inside world without light is left. To stay aware in this darkness of despair is the most difficult exercise and examination on the inner way. When it is possible to keep up a sense of presence in the face of utter forlornness and not to run away, the ego has lost all of its power. This is the very role of despair – it offers a ruthless touchstone for the seeker as to how far she is willing to surrender to what existence has prepared. As long as she fights what comes up by looking for someone to blame or to curse or to drown in dull resignation she has not seen the present offered by reality. Yet if existence shows its graceful side by offering the strength of perseverance, the transition to a new level of consciousness is close.

Gratitude should be our permanent and daily practise. How easily we forget that everything is just a gift, that we are all gifted with what lets us live, starting from the simplest breath for which air and energy are offered. When we are willing to cultivate this attitude of gratefulness, we will succeed to accept the bulkier experiences in our lives with more ease. For we know how much life is caring for us und which jewels can be hidden amidst the most dreadful experiences.

The mystic has realised that everything which happens is a gift for which gratitude is required. He also has realised that anything which is given to us as benefit is impermanent. He understands that in those experiences which meet our tastes, which we like and enjoy and tend to indulge in, there is a possibility of abuse and of refusal: We tend to hold on to pleasant experiences until we miss the next experience which would open up another gift. So the mystic takes all small things as big and all big things as small.

The rules are taken from Elif Shafak's novel “The Forty Rules of Love” (Viking 2010). They are inspired by the Sufi tradition and worded by the autor's imagination. www.elifshafak.com

Rule 7: Loneliness and Solitude

Loneliness and solitude are two different things. When you are lonely, it is easy to delude yourself into believing you are on the right path. Solitude is better for us, as it means being alone without being lonely. But eventually it is best to find a person, that person will be your mirror. Remember, only in another person’s heart can you truly see yourself and the presence of God within you.

When we are alone and suffer from no one being here, we feel lonely. We feel a neediness inside of us which seems to say to us, that we are incomplete when there is no one else present. Being alone in the strict sense of the absence of other people can be a source of self discovery and inspiration. The German theologist Paul Tillich has written: “Loneliness expresses the pain of being alone and solitude expresses the glory of being alone.”

Eventually any kind of loneliness is an illusion, a drama produced by our body-mind. It comes up when the mind gains power over our consciousness. When we are not dominated by thinking, we do not even consider the idea that something could be missed. We can feel needs coming from our bodies but they disappear as soon as they are nourished. Thinking produces expectations and reproduces disappointments. This is the source of the nagging feeling of loneliness.

The specific pain which can arise in being alone stems from a situation of abandonment or neglect in our childhood. The younger a child is the more it is in need of the steady and reliable closeness of a grownup person. When this is missing, fears of existence can arise. In addition to this, that traumatizations can happen during pregnancy like not being wanted as a child or suffering from an attempted abortion. Also dramatic experiences in the life of the mother can severely affect the unborn child and leave a deep wound which gets activated after birth when close and loving contact is missing.

Being alone strengthens the connection to oneself and can be used as a recreation from abundant or strenuous social contacts. In being alone, we notice mor about ourselves, we feel what is right for us and which direction of our lives and our activities fit to who we are. It is easy to lose ourselves in the net of communication and become untrue to ourselves by meeting the needs and expectations of others.

Yet when we get uneasy and restless when being alone and when we suffer from the absence of people, we are caught in our patterns. Enforced by thoughts, we are directed by unresolved feelings from our past.

In a deeper sense we know: We are always in connection. Simply by breathing we are in a constant exchange with our surrounding, simply by looking around, we take in new impressions, simply by listening, sounds come in and change us. Maybe the singing birds are talking to us, maybe the blossoming tree tells us that it likes being looked at?

People living in a tribal consciousness did not need a word for loneliness as there is no reality fort hat. When someone was expelled from the tribe and so also from tribal consciousness, this meant radical solitude and was equalled with a death penalty. Only by collectively transcending the tribal connections, feelings of longing and loneliness arise. Today, as we are no longer depended on certain forms of social organisation for survival, being alone should not be an emotional burden, except, as said, when nourished by former harm.

The power and creativity which can be found in a deep encounter with another person, is an important reassurance of the connectedness which is there all the time. We can practise it for instance in exercises like eye contact breathing. Being seen by someone else is an important source of inner opening and can overwrite old experiences of abandonment and ignorance. Seeing another person can lead out of the limitations of the own personality and open towards a broader sense of humanity.

Still we have to be careful not to get lost in such an encounter as we tend to fall into the trap of loneliness as soon as this person leaves. Possibly we tend to idealise persons with whom we have such deep encounters and openings and get dependent on them. Then it can happen that we are easily disappointed when the same depth of communication does not work any more and that we accuse the other person for that. This means we get trapped in an unconscious dependency.

So a wide inner clarity, openness and maturity is needed for entering a relationship in which we are willing to acknowledge the divinity in the other person. We have entered the holistic or universalistic level of consciousness: We let go of all masks and strive towards the inner core of being which radiates unharmed beauty. In this pure core, there is no more essential difference between I and You.


The rules are taken from Elif Shafak's novel “The Forty Rules of Love” (Viking 2010). They are inspired by the Sufi tradition and worded by the autor's imagination. www.elifshafak.com